Looking through some of the thoughts I’d jotted down in the past I came across this one. Wow, teenage angst central.

Warning: Contains depressing material

I Want To Weep Because

I want to weep because I’m sad. No I’m not.

I want to weep because I’m stressed. No, that doesn’t feel right either.

I want to weep because life is hard. No, it’s broader than all of those.

I want to weep because of life. No, broader than that even.

I want to weep because. Just because.

If you broaden the reason enough it becomes no reason. Zero and infinity. I’ve always (well, for a long time) thought that they are very similar. Mathematicians will tell you that neither is really a number. You can’t quantify nothingness and everythingness (for want of a better word). Zero and infinity are the places that numbers can’t go.

I’m not sure what my point is here, but I feel I may be digressing from it. I will just say that you can’t divide by either of them and any number multiplied by them merely becomes one of them. Adding or subtracting them gets you nowhere (or perhaps everywhere [that’s my pathetic attempt at a joke!]).

I am digressing. They’re not numbers, but philosophical concepts and here I am applying mathematical rules to them. It’s my analytical mind. Maybe it’s all right for you, you might be one of these people who feels emotions and thinks nothing of it. But I’m more logical than that.

I’m sorry, I’m managing to sound both like a snob and a victim. I’m also being very depressing. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to say that… I don’t feel real. I have to think of myself as more than just a logical being. I have to have emotions. Without them I feel two-dimensional, insubstantial.

Music is my drug of choice. Why? Because it can bring out emotions. Strong emotions make me feel real. Anger is a strong emotion. No, all emotions are strong. Anger is easy to bring out. But I don’t like being angry. Besides it’s too close to aggression, which isn’t really an emotion (Psychologists will agree with me. No, God that’s conceited, I agree with psychologists on this. That’s better.)

Hope and hate are emotions but they are hard to bring out. (I will avoid using love as an example because love has been talked about too much already. Like Shakespeare, there’s been too much said, just enjoy it.) An emotion that is easy to bring out is depression. Not self-pity, but a bleakness of outlook on the world.

Of course if you are depressed you can make others depressed. So I try to indulge in depression when I’m alone. I should probably put a warning at the top of this that it is depressing. Yes, I’ll do that now. Of course, you’ve already seen the warning now that I’ve written it ( kind of like time-travel, don’t get me started on time-travel). So you’ll only be reading this if you wanted to read something depressing.

I’m still not sure what the point of all this is but I think perhaps it was comfort. To all of those who are like me, who enjoy experiencing depression (or perhaps some other emotion) because it gives their life… no, it makes them feel like their life has substance. You are not alone.

And to those of you (lucky or unlucky, I don’t know which) who read this an say “nope, that’s not me at all.” When you see a friend playing, say, Metallica’s “Until it Sleeps” at high volume with a look of intense sorrow on their face and their eyes closed. Maybe this has helped you come a bit closer to understanding what makes them tick.

On the other hand, maybe I’m rambling. Maybe I’m just spewing pseudo-philosophy. But I hope you got something out of reading this, even if it was only a chuckle or a single contemplative thought. And just remember that it’s better to be an optimist, because the world either seems or is a better place. And regardless of whether is seems or is nicer, you’ll be happier if you’re an optimist. Ha, I’ve just spent two pages writing about depression and I consider myself an optimist, now that’s bleak.